Hillary Clinton Reaches Out to Women; Immediately Regrets it

 

Hillary Clinton’s attempts to reach out to women during her historic bid for president have back-fired, sources within her campaign say, with the former First Lady and American Women no longer on speaking terms.“Hillary overheard some of the ladies from Emily’s List talking about how big her hips looked in her power-suit,” said campaign staffer Kimmie Hargraves.  “The Senator was very upset.”  

The relationship between the Clinton campaign and women has been rocky form the start.  During a visit to New Hampshire with husband Bill, Ms. Clinton apparently took umbrage when a scantily clad supporter asked for the former President for a hug.  “The Senator was all ‘Hands off my man, Bitch!’”  Ms. Hargraves said. “But it turns out the lady was the head of a big pro-choice group in New England.  It probably cost us about $500,000 over the course of the campaign.  Oops.” 

Clinical Therapist Nina Van Tassel explains that Mr. Clinton may be the source for much of the friction.  “Bill’s many affairs over the years have been a constant disappoint for Hillary.  It makes it hard for her to trust women.”

Added Ms. Van Tassel: “I’d fuck him.” 

The biggest blow to the partnership between Senator Clinton and women came at a “Women for Hillary” fundraiser.  Both Clinton and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi arrived at the event wearing the same outfit.  “The tension was unbearable,” said Staffer Kimmie Hargraves, who was at the event. “Everybody was telling Nancy how great she looked, which she did, she’s got great body for an older lady, you know?  But nobody said a word to Hillary.  She was crushed.  It was really rude of the Speaker to steal the Senator’s thunder like that.  It was supposed to be Hillary’s day.” 

Mark Carpenter, of the DC based think tank Change for Growth and regular contributor to Maxim, thinks there is still hope for the relationship.  “All women have to do is tell Hillary that she looks pretty today, invite her out shopping, or call her ‘Just to talk.’  Hillary’s used to forgiving.”

 

 

On Religon

I’m half-Jewish and half-Irish, which means that when I’m drunk, I feel guilty about it.

It’s hard growing up when you’re a half-breed like me.  To make things easier on myself, I make up my own religions as I go along.  For example, right now I believe that Mother Nature is a Force, with Will, and Purpose, and a Plan to destroy all Poor People. 

We know that poor people like to live in trailer parks, and that most trailer parks are situated in a geographical region of the country known (ironically?) as The Bible Belt.  We also know that the there is much more to this region than Klansman, crackers and inbred children.  There are rich people down there too.  Of course there are.  His name is Ted Turner.  But I’ve never heard of a tornado attacking him.  Case closed.  Unlike the Bible, I offer answers instead of questions.

Another thing that confuses me is the politics of religion.  Recently, the Episcopalian sect splintered, a modern day schism if you will, because half of them could not bear the thought of a gay Bishop.  (I can’t bear the thought of a straight one!)  And today, I just learned that the Southern Baptists have disbanded entirely because they all just learned that Jesus was a Jew!  Now they’re only waiting for the resurrection so that they can burn a cross on his lawn.

We know that Jesus was a Jew because his mother was Jewish.  While we don’t know what religion his father was, (one can only assume Scientologist) we do know that he impregnated Mary while she was a virgin who was engaged to be married.  There is something not quite kosher about this part of the story.  By all accounts, Mary was a good girl, and hardly the type to make a cuckold out of poor Joseph.  Now, I’m not saying that God raped Mary.  All I’m saying is that I bet he didn’t even say Thank You when he was done.

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